Relationships Form the Foundation Upon Which We Build Our Lives

While relationships begin with love, infatuation, and attraction, making a relationship last takes time, commitment and understanding.

With our counselling services for relationships, we can help you develop the mindset and understanding to restore your relationship and make it thrive!

Different Types of Personalities in Relationships

There are assumptions that we make without even realizing it. We assume that everyone reacts that way we react. We assume that everyone wants feedback the way we want feedback or we assume everyone else experiences empathy and emotional support the same way they do.

We are all different individuals.

Four Seasons Counselling | Counselling for Couples & Relationships - Personality Types: Introverts vs. Extroverts

Extraverts vs Introverts

Temperament is a factor in how we relate to others

Extraverts like being around others, they draw energy from people, don’t mind interruptions and talk their problems out and figure things out while they talk it out.

Introverts tend to feel drained when they’re around other people, in tuned with what is going on inside them but not as aware of what is going on around them. They like to think and have some quiet time to consolidate their thoughts, solve problems and then talk about it.

So, if you are an Extrovert – they are very sensitive and the Introvert not so much – and this can lead to misinterpretations around one person not being caring.  When one person acts stressed, looking at how this is their process rather than assuming that they’re rejecting a view.

Four Seasons Counselling | Counselling for Couples & Relationships - Personality Types: Sensing vs. Intuitives

Sensing vs Intuitive

Sensing people tend to focus on the details – schedules, planning – better at balancing the budget and bill paying etc.

Intuitive people are big picture and big dreamers, keep the household up and running

How to appreciate each other’s temperament

Four Seasons Counselling | Counselling for Couples & Relationships - Personality Types: Sensing vs. Intuitives

Thinking vs Feeling

A thinking person often views things as true and false; they think of terms like justice and that they want to fix things. They have the emotional feeling, but they tend to be more driven to solve the problem when upset

A feeling person tends to react a lot more emotionally and want someone to acknowledge that they are upset.  They can fix it on their own but feels disempowered if the thinker steps in and tries to fix it.   They just need the emotional connection.  Looks at things through good vs bad.

We can have a combination of both in everybody, but we often have one or the other that is our way of operating. We can just encourage people to talk about how they react to things will help people communicate a lot better on dimension.

A woman and man are unhappy with their relationship as they sit in a couples counselling session in Vaughan, ON

Judging vs. Perceiving

Judging = structure

Perceiving = spontaneity

How can they both live in harmony?  Finding the balance between the two styles to accommodate both styles can go a long way in understanding how much each person needs in order to get along.  Often having children includes structure and routine and therefore this can shift lifestyles of couples who didn’t have children.  There is therefore a need for flexibility in how their styles can now both be accommodated to include creativity vs structure; empathy vs. problem solving. People can learn to balance their own unique tendencies and use someone else’s strengths.

A woman and man are unhappy with their relationship as they sit in a couples counselling session in Vaughan, ON

We’re Here to Help

If you’re experiencing frustration and difficulties in your relationship, our conselling for couples services can help.

Get in touch and let us help you heal your relationship.

Four Seasons Counselling | Counselling for Couples - The Five Love Languages

The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman)

  1. Receiving gifts
  2. Quality time
  3. Words of Affirmation
  4. Acts of Service (Devotion)
  5. Physical Touch

What makes a person’s eyes light up? In what way can one effectively communicate to the other, how one feels about the other.  We can learn about a person’s love language by the way they express their feelings to you.

  • Empathy vs Sympathy: Put yourself in their shoes (with their experiences)
  • Remember that what you would want, and need is not necessarily what your partner wants and needs
  • Allow yourself to listen as if your only job is to understand
  • Think of three alternate reasons your partner may be feeling/acting the way they are
  • Overexplaining – if somebody asks a question or asks you to do something and you explain it at nauseam, it can get to the point where it feels condescending. Ask questions, if needed, and allow the other to be empowered.
  • Being vague – the more specific you can be, the less likely there is any misunderstandings. Statements that are vague allow for misinterpretations or wrongful assumptions as everyone sees things differently.
  • Mind reading/Assuming – “You always want….” can be an assumption.
  • Distractions – if one is preoccupied with something during a conversation or has other distractions (e.g., TV on) this can create a barrier to the discussion, and you can’t see the non-verbal’s if you aren’t’ listening.
  • “You” driven language – “you make me do this”, “you did this when….”. Starting out with “I” driven language so that you own what’s going on instead of putting the other person on the defensive.  Using “You” driven language can be helpful when one is tuning into how the other person is presenting e.g. “You seem a bit down today”.  This is not going to put the other person on the defensive.  Using “I feel ___ when…” shows that you are expressing the impact, rather than accusing.
  • Universal statements – “Always”, “Never”. Looking for exceptions. As humans we very rarely “always” or “never” do something every time.  Terms like, “seems”, “sometimes”, “frequently”, “allows” for more diplomacy.
  • Blaming – when one blames the other for everything, it does not allow for the other to take responsibility for their part in it. It takes two to tango.  What was each person’s part in the issue?

Only noting the negative – in some relationships, the only time someone says something, it is when something goes wrong. There is time for constructive feedback, but also acknowledging the good stuff also. Trying to be as frequent with the positive than the negative (2:1 ratio ideally).

You need to deal with the difficult things but at the same time, adding some positive things is as important. Love is a combination of emotions and actions including talking, compassion and trust. Communicate to your partner in their love language in order to help that person feel more valued.

Make an effort:

  • Write down a list of things your partner could do that would make you feel loved/happy and exchange them
  • Remember birthdays, anniversaries or just happy occasions and celebrate
  • Celebrate for no reason
  • If you have a disagreement, take a step back and try to see it from your partner’s point of view
  • Don’t let fear of being vulnerable or abandonment undermine you: share hopes, dreams and fears; If becoming vulnerable makes you also become critical and defensive, identify and work through the reasons
  • Think back to hopes and dreams you shared when you were dating… make it happen
  • Regularly remind your partner of the qualities you love about them
  • Create a win/win
  • Compromise based on priorities and needs
  • Compromise between extroverts and introverts
  • Compromise between detail oriented and big picture people
  • Compromise between rationally focused vs emotionally focused individuals
  • Compromise between structured vs spontaneous people
  • Not everyone is comfortable with feeling words but they it can be shown through actions
  • Don’t assume you know why someone feels a certain way.
  • Ask what someone’s process is to deal with their stress or upset
  • Pay attention and ask what your partner likes and does not like
  • Do things you don’t want to do
  • Keeping a running list of gift ideas
  • Write sweet notes or texts or just thank you’s
  • Remember important dates
  • Truly listen to what your partner has to say
  • Be there during tough times, even if you’re busy
  • Start some personal rituals for the two of you: Daily, Weekly, Annually

Having a neutral third party can help get the discussion started and provide the opportunity to uncover assumptions, biases, and at times help give voice to some of the difficult discussions that need to happen to move to healthier discussions.

Let Us Help You Find Your Summer

If you’re struggling to deal with life’s challenges, you’re not alone and there’s no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed. All people – and especially women – go through different phases of life. Life naturally presents us with challenges and obstacles, whether to do with our work, our families and friends, our relationships and even internal struggles with ourselves.

We help people explore and understand the problems that they face. By developing the right mindset and tools for articulating their feelings and having their voices heard, they are empowered to face and overcome their challenges.

Using their newfound confidence, courage and bravery, they emerge from their winter, through a spring season marked by personal growth, and into the joys and happiness of summer.

We’re ready to help you find your summer. Let’s connect and get started.